http://www.makepovertyhistory.org Bleeding shields and broken glass: January 2006

Friday, January 27, 2006

So all that's left...

...is the proof that love's not only blind but deaf.

Two very good things happened today:
1. I bought a purple hoody.
2. I got tickets to see The Rakes.

"The Rakes?" my mum said, "are you sure they're not morally depraved?". My dad said "They could be called The Fluffy Angels and be morally depraved". He then got the Chambers Dictionary out to show me that the definition of "rake" was "a debauched or dissolute person".
"I think they mean garden forks" I said.

Wanted to see The Ordinary Boys but tickets have sold out and are over £50 on Ebay. Bloody Big Brother.

All I ate all day was:
1 apple
1 orange
sausage roll
1 apple juice
2 marbars
1 packet of jelly babies
Chinese takeaway

I don't think I'll live for much longer. I have eaten at least one Marsbar every day for the last week.

I went to Boots in Romford, and my bag cut into my shoulder as I traipsed home in my battered green pumps. As I reached my road it started to snow. It wouldn't set, but it was a beautiful moment, watching the flakes illuminated under the dim orange street lamps. Fragile.

Tomorrow I am going to meet Tony Benn. Now he beats The Rakes any day, he's about as far away from debauchery as one can get...
x
P.S. No one tell Katrina about The Rakes. It's a surprise.
P.P.S. Five thousand hits!!!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

People are fragile things. (You should know by now.)

Today was depressing. The whale died. I nearly fell down the stairs, broke the hole-puncher so that a million paper holes flew all over my room and the scratch on my nose started bleeding again. Nice. My parents were out all day. My brother hasn't woken up yet. It is quarter past seven. I called him twice about half an hour ago to see if he wanted dinner. He was lying in bed fully clothed wearing a woolly hat.

(And I thought I was a slacker.)

Couldn't be bothered to cook anything, I'm trying to learn about vectors. Ate several oat cakes and two bananas instead. It's just one of those lonesome, sleepy Sundays where nothing happens for hours and then before you know it the tug and pull of Monday morning is upon you.

My blog is now one year old. I can't think of anything I've achieved in the last year, apart from churn out self-pitying bullshit across the internet. Depressing thought. Incidentally, and fittingly, tomorrow is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year. Makes sense really: bitter weather, tax returns, and the crushing anti-climax after Christmas and New Year.

Last year me and Louise went to three gigs, saw one movie and had one house party for our brithdays. Unfortunately this means whatever we do this year will be shit, even though we're turning eighteen - how much does that suck?? Would love to go to see We Are Scientists, or Editors, or The Ordinary Boys. The first two are sold out. Does anyone want to come and see The Ordinary Boys with me? Please? Katerina & Louise don't seem very bothered.

Anyway, whatever happens it won't be too bad. There'll be cake. And laughter.
x

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

I blossomed into nothing.

When were those crisp, unsullied hours when chaos, noise and
anger were unreal? How I yearned and stretched,
groaned, desired and reached.
Schooldays’ idiotic cravings are mindless, numb and false.
Soon the world beyond the railings crashes into view:
a strangely torturous struggle,
our nine-to-five lives seeping slowly into sand.

Bring me back the shining shield of infant night time bliss.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

General personal anguish, you can ignore this.

WHY did I choose to study Physics? It certainly wasn't so that I could waste my entire life writing about latent heat, free fall acceleration and bloody bifilar suspension. I ache from numbers and words. They disturb me and frighten me and blur my vision. I wake up sweating at night, haunted by giant adiabatic expansion graphs and walking talking calorimeters. I have three weeks to hand in enough practical write-ups to stop me failing the IB. And three months to learn all the Maths I should have spent two years learning. And I haven't started my TK essay, or my maths coursework, or my French oral. In fact, just kill me now. Or kill my soul at least.

That's enough angst and self-pity for now.
x

Monday, January 16, 2006

As the sky split open into a thunderstorm...

The road to exams, failure and misery is getting steeper and rockier. And I should have learnt about the Normal Distribution and revised Group Theory for today's exam. But I forgot. Or I didn't get round to it. Just somehow, time slipped away, furtive, forgotten.

I sincerely hope this won't happen in the real exams.

The 'Cafedirect' Fairtrade people sent me another huge hamper full of free goodies to use in our Fairtrade promotional events. Including chocolate. I was very, very, very tempted. As was Claire Collier, unsurprisingly. She always appears to be a) incredibly hungry and b) seeking help with a completely futile piece of homework about Disneyland Paris.

Why do people take Business Studies. WHY?

This will have to be a short, and rather tedious entry. I'm busy eating carrots and doing Physics Write-Ups.

...holding my cindery, non-existant, radiant flesh. Incandescent.
x

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Where the sun is not shining...




A luscious, lazy, revision-free weekend. Brokeback Mountain was beautiful. More specifically Jake Gyllenhaal was beautiful. Plus horses and sheep and cowboys and Tammy Wynette in the soundtrack. It couldn't get much better than that.

Have been sitting around in my enormous blue woolly jumper doing nothing. Watching, waiting, procrastinating. In five months time I will undoubtedly regret this alot. In five months I will probably regret my entire existence alot.

My brother found his digital camera. Behind the radiator. Strangely enough my music certificates were also there. You're probably bored of photos of my room by now. Notice how the books are colour-coded, instead of in alphabetical order. It was just easier. And I suck.
x

Friday, January 13, 2006

Don't tell us that the world is lemon-scented.

Eleven things that are very overated:
1. Smoking
2. Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
3. The IB
4. The OC
5. The NME
6. Alex Turner
7. Red Bull
8. Pete Doherty/Kate Moss
9. The Olympic Games
10. Converse/Nike
11. Straight Hair

Eleven things that definitely aren't overated:
1. Central heating
2. We Are Scientists
3. Three day weekends
4. Preston (well, maybe just a bit then)
5. London
6. Blood oranges, peaches, carrots
7. Sleep
8. Illegal downloading
9. Noise, chaos, destruction
10. Scarlet Johansson
11. First Impressions of Earth

Frighten me, enlighten me, oh oh.
x

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Don't try this ever.

What's with the annual new year fixation with self restraint? Everyone I know seems to be giving things up, detoxing themselves or calorie counting, and I don't understand how being healthy is only a priority in the new year. So, partly out of curiosity but mainly out of intense boredom, I decided to calculate a typical calorie-count, Bridget Jones style. Yes I really am that bored. There are quite a disturbing amount of websites listing every food product ever along with its nutritional values, so clearly I'm not alone in this...

Yesterday:
1 bowl of cornflakes: 101 calories
2 medium apples: 144 calories
4 oranges: 180 calories
1 wholemeal ham sandwich: 350 calories
5 dry water biscuits: 60 calories
2 glasses of orange juice: 26
1 packet of Walkers prawn cocktail crisps:184
Dinner: pasta bows, cream and bacon sauce: 180 + 84 + 42 + 26 + 33 + 19 calories
3 tbsp carrots: 18 calories
4 tsb courgettes: 22 calories
Total: 1469 calories, so I'm not dead. In case you cared.

Calorie counting websites are strange alien lands, featuring everything anyone could even consider eatng, specific to preparation technique, brand name and quantity. It's just fucking weird. Why would you really want to know how many calories there are in raw sausages? Or semi-whipped, semi-non-whipped cream? Or low sodium cucumber pickle??? Also, Bridget Jones, had she not been fictional, would have had a lot of time on her hands. It takes long enough remembering what you ate and drank, let alone adding up the fucking calorie intake.

Conclusion of this pointless activity: counting calories is boring and desperate. By the time I'd worked it out I didn't care any more. (Although still getting over the fact that there are only 6 calories in a tablespoon of carrots... hmmmm...)

And if we're going for the full Bridget Jones thing then: alcohol units none, cigarettes none, weight 9ish stone, exams 2, revision not enough, hours spent asleep 7, time spent writing blog too long. Yes, my life truly is completely tedious.
x

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Between love and hate.

This is an entry full of random pieces of unrelated information.
  • I owe The Gate £39.95. I paid £20 of this today. The people who run that place are gangsters. Saw Jackson though (!) dressed in navy blue and looking bored out of his skull. He complained about work experience, I complained about exams, then we walked halfway down Woodgrange Rd together.
  • Vanilla ice cream tastes marvellous.
  • Projectile motion is possibly the most boring thing to write about in the world. And finding the average of 40 different numbers isn't fun either.
  • No matter what time I go to bed I never feel like waking up before 12. My bed is warm. The rest of the world is icy cold.
  • Post-it notes are never sticky enough to stay on my window.
  • Natascha owes me a libertines poster. And £1.
  • I've lost my Biology text book.
  • Sometimes communicating with people is the hardest thing in the world. And being depressed is the easiest.
Have fun.
x

Monday, January 09, 2006

Here's some completely unbiased history for you.

Two extracts from my history exam:

Question 1
"The detrimental and oppressive Tsarist regime was the cause of its inevitable downfall."

Question 2
"The French Revolution was a political phenomenon damagingly disregarded at the Vienna Congress."

It's a shame Mr Sutherland won't be marking it. He reads New Left Review.

I wrote this to annoy my mum. (And because she's wrong.)

‘High Culture’: An elitist construct

My mother’s insistence that she only engages in ‘high culture’ and considers ‘mass culture’ to be something meaningless, formulaic and completely redundant is a dramatic claim, and despite her left wing protestations holds some controversial social connotations.

The distinction she makes between culture of the ‘masses’ and the culture she regards to be superior, alone implies a social distinction between the two, and hence the existence of some sort of cultural elite, perhaps socially superior to the ‘masses’ who cannot see further than conventional, and in her opinion superfluous and mechanical, culture. The argument that this cultural hierarchy is unrelated to the class system seems completely absurd: she is perhaps unaware that the term ‘high culture’ itself refers to the ‘cultural consumption of a western society’s upper class’ (1) and originates among the upper classes during the Renaissance. This alone proves that this term implies that the division between mass and high culture is influenced, and perhaps even defined by class.

For me the suggestion that high quality entertainment should only be recognised by some sort of elite, of which my mother would perhaps claim to be a member, and which is also associated with the bourgeoisie, seems a completely pretentious and patronising approach, for the obvious reason that it discriminates against a large section of society not because of the cultural boundaries that are found there, but due to the class system. That class should play the immoral, restrictive role that it does already in society is bad enough, but the idea that our conceptions of film, music and literature should be dictated by it is fundamentally wrong.

Even if in using the term ‘high culture’ my mother was not aware of its unambiguous links with social class, and was merely using it to emphasise the distinction between normal, conventional culture and something more meaningful her argument is still unavoidably elitist.

I understand her infuriation with formulaic Hollywood films and what she would call ‘trashy’ novels with the same, calculated plot structure and basic, unelaborated language: the typical ‘chick flicks’ which are often considered shallow and superficial. What I object to is the seemingly clear-cut line she draws between ‘mass culture’ and the culture that she (and perhaps the rest of her cultural elite) appreciates. Perhaps the ‘high culture’ to which she refers does hold particular cultural significance according to her, but this should not mean that anything that does not possess the exclusive status of ‘high culture’ is somehow redundant, or meaningless, or any less worthy of cultural merit and appreciation. Culture cannot be seen in black and white: intellectually and culturally significant art does not, and cannot, hold a different status to everything else. If it did, who would be the judge of these two cultural groups? The aristocracy who defined the ‘high culture’ of the Renaissance? Western society’s upper classes? Or does everyone hold their own personal representation of these two cultural categories? If so, this system of judging art and literature is by no means consistent, and arguably not important if it is based on the individual’s interpretation, and hence lacks prestige and consensus.

The very nature of ‘high culture’ is of unquestionable acceptance of the great works of art that have been appreciated and even canonised by the world’s intellectual elite. With ‘high culture’ the essence of cultural participation is shifted from a personal, intellectual and insightful reflection and response towards a work of art, which can freely challenge and question the ideas that it examines, to a contrived dictation of what culture is and should be. Rather than challenging and expanding our intellectual conceptions it restricts them. Surely engaging and analysing ‘mass culture’ is not futile, as what matters is not the status of the art we engage in, but how we respond to and evaluate what we see. Someone who had read all the renowned classics ever written but who lacked any profound or original response to them would be just as ignorant, in my opinion, as someone who hadn’t read any of them. Engaging with culture without being able to respond to it is like reading the words on a page without absorbing their general meaning: futile.

In researching this topic I came upon an essay which exactly conveys my criticisms of ‘high culture’: Joe Sartelle argues that ‘objects possess no intrinsic value, whether those objects are rare metals or great works of art. Rather, value is to be found in the ways in which those things are used.’ (2) Hence it is the subjective aspect of culture which makes it interesting or useful and not its objective canonisation by the superior ‘high culture’ movement. He also compares the categorical emphasis of ‘high culture’ on intrinsic rather than subjective value to the ideology of capitalism, saying that the subjective view of art which criticises the concept of ‘high culture’ is ‘contrary to what aesthetics (like capitalism) encourage us to believe’: a justified comparison in my view.

My mother’s approach therefore comes across as one deeply embedded in upper class snobbery, which condemns subjectivity and instead promotes an elitist, capitalistic and almost totalitarian view of exactly which culture is significant and which is worthless. This is why I dispute her.

(1) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/High_culture
(2) Joe Sartelle 1994, http://bad.eserver.org/issues/1994/11/intro.html

Sunday, January 08, 2006

In memory of Tony Banks.

"If animals had votes I would be Prime Minister by now."
Forest Gate's vegetarian hero will be deeply missed.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

I wouldn't wanna be in your shoes.

Today I had an argument with the manager of WHSmith in Stratford. I paid for my book using a £25 National Book Token but for some reason the miscreants who work there decided to give me my change in WHSmith tokens.

WHSmith Checkout Moron: Your change is on this electronic card, OK?
Me: I paid using a National Book Token.
WHSmith Checkout Moron: This is a book token.
Me: That's not a National Book Token, that is a WHSmith gift card. It's not the same thing.
WHSmith Checkout Moron looks helpless. Imbecile manager in a suit arrives.
Corrupt Manager: I'm afraid we can't give change in book tokens.
Me: Why not? I paid in book tokens, so my change should also be in book tokens.
Corrupt Manager: You can use this gift card to buy books.
Me: That's not the point. I can only spend this at WHSmith, it's not the same thing.
Corrupt Manager: It's company policy.
Me: So basically the company policy is a scam to force you to spend your money at WHSmith?
Corrupt Manager: No, it's just not possible to give change in book tokens generally.
Me: That's not the case in Waterstones.
Corrupt Manager: Oh, right. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do.
Me: You could give me my change in National Book Tokens.
Corrupt Manager: I'm sorry, we can't do that. It's company policy.
Me: Can you give me my change in cash then?
Corrupt Manager: No, we can't do that either.
Me: Oh I see, company policy again. In that case I'll have to return it.

Tempted to write a scathing letter to the depraved criminal who came up with this rule, but I have better things to do with my time. It's their loss.

Apart from the WHSmith incident I have been learning about vectors for most of the day. Didn't wake up until one. Ate toast, drank coffee, listened to the Libertines, worked, and warmed my feet by the electric heater. Heat is addictive. Even though we now have central heating again (Halleluyah!) I'm still using it compulsively.

Three hundred and twenty-six words. I have nothing else to say.
x

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A duck.

Out across the endless sea....

Bizarrely enough, today whizzed by in a blur of Maths revision. Unfortunately, despite me and Tim's hardcore last minute revision, I still managed to answer a mere three questions out of twenty. Comparatively the English exam was pure ridicule. Although to be honest the grasshopper poem was strangely thought-provoking, and by the end I was actually writing something worth reading (although if you work as an IB examiner you don't deserve to read anything interesting. Ever.) My last sentence was 'This emotional rollercoaster is nothing more than a simple confrontation between two vulnerable creatures, one physically and the other emotionally.' Inarticulately expressed, but with a valid point.
To be honest, reflecting on everything from some sort of 'greater perspective' is tempting as a form of abstract escapism. If I fail my exams, become a hopeless teenage dropout and end up married to a bus driver with seven illegitimate kids living in Billericay, what does it matter? There will still be Third World Debt, AIDs and global warming. Writers will write, religious maniacs will preach, scientists will unfold exciting new discoveries, people will live and die and our chaotic planet will carry on spinning. At the same time this makes me feel completely insignificant and helpless. Perhaps it's only a cheap, irrational reassurance. Perhaps my life is exactly the opposite: perhaps it is more productive, more fufilling to view it as everything, rather than nothing. I could go on to quote Karl Marx, but perhaps I won't. (On second thoughts 'I am nothing and should be everything'. Sorry, couldn't resist. I'd virtually said it anyway.)

Three surreal things have happened to me in the last two days:
  • I have started drinking coffee. It tastes completely foul, but gives me an effortless buzz when I need it most (anytime between 11pm and 11am).
  • I have started wearing slippers. They are red and comfy. My grandmother gave them to me. I have already become old. Very old. Probably a little too old...
  • I have started listening to Nora Jones. I have definitely become old. Although her voice is soothing, sensual. 'Turn Me On' is a damn good song.
On the way home from school I met my friend Darryl. We went to school together two years ago. Back then he was tall and lonesome and talented. He's still tall, but he was on his way home from probation. Shattering really. I asked him what he'd done and he looked so ashamed I instantly felt guilty and tactless. He sort of shrugged and mimed violence.

Strange...

My heart is drenched in wine...
x

Monday, January 02, 2006

Important Announcement

This is my 100th blog entry. From henceforth I will use capital letters at the beginning of sentences. This will be an emotional struggle but I have decided it is the only way to ensure people take me seriously. This is a milestone in my life. I am going to keep to my New Year's Resolutions and become a better person.

Happy New Year.
x

Sunday, January 01, 2006

it's so amazing...

i have made new year's resolutions but they'll clearly be broken pretty soon. (just give me a week, ok?)

I will:
  • eat breakfast.
  • go to bed early and be on time for school.
  • maintain an acceptable level of mess in my room.
  • spend more time working, and revising, and doing physics writeups.
  • read exciting books. watch exciting films. write. reflect. live.
I will not:
  • eat as much junk food.
  • play online trivia.
  • waste my free lessons.
  • resort to escapism in the midst of important exams.
  • lust over people who are actually retarded.
  • spend fourteen hours a day in bed.
what a flimsy, implausible set of rules.

everything looks perfect from far away...
x