enter michael jones

You got your finger on the pulse
You got your eyes everywhere
And it hurts all the time when you don't return my calls
And you haven't got the time to remember how it was
It's so cold in this house
It's so cold in this house
I can't eat, I can't sleep
I can't sleep, I can't dream
An aversion to light
Got a fear of the ocean

Like drinking poison, like eating glass

afternoon all, it's 20 past 3. as usual i have not yet got dressed, or achieved anything. haven't yet started maths or french coursework. don't remind me don't remind me i'm putting it all off forever and ever...
have only just woken up. i am turning into a couch potato! save me from the depths of layabout life! all i do is eat, sleep and go on msn! tragic! terrifying! here is an extract from a (retarded) conversation i had earlier on msn along with tim and michael jones. (for some reason):

Tim: You are unique Michael, you're special
Michael Jones: thanx Tim
Tim: Strike that
Tim: Insert this:
Tim : 'special'
Michael Jones: insert!
Michael Jones: lol
Michael Jones: heheheheheeheeehe

and another retarded extract:

Michael Jones: I really don't like that guy
Tascha: i dont care if you like him or not
Michael Jones: well I don't care if u don't care about how I feel about him or not

jesus.

question: what was i doing having a retarded group convo with tim, tascha, phil, becky and michael jones???
answer: i have no fucking idea.

your comments may reduce my insanity (slightly).

EXCLUSIVE!

i have purchased 5 exclusive postcards while in this tedious foreign land! the 5 people who first send me their home address can each have one sent especially from france!! get going tintin fans!

spontaneouslyweirdandweirdlyspontaneous@hotmail.com

x

shattered the lamp and to darkness it cast us

ben said he would be right back (liar), and no one else is currently online, probably because they are too busy eating easter eggs. it's kinda cold, and i haven't got dressed yet, even though it is already 4:24.

hello again

i want some biscuits.

it's so cold in this... house

so here goes. my parents are scary. their idea of "fun" is doing french coursework. their idea of "money" is €6.34. their idea of "warmth" is 4°C. their idea of "good tv" is a french documentary on cocoa beans. their idea of "discipline" is a BASTARD MSN CURFEW.

anyway, i fear you have all heard this before, so i'll move on. we aren't going skiing. not fair. also no chocolate today, my dad "forgot". we can't even watch the pope on tv struggling to say hello in 47 different languages as he is too ill. doesn't really feel like easter. thank goodness i have cds with me, or i would have become deranged by now.

thursday was good. went out to see a film at the human rights film festival at the ica. oh by the way, they are showing a film called "kill your idols" there from april 8th. anyone want to come? www.ica.org.uk/index.cfm?articleid=13575 ... yeah so i didn't exactly go gallavanting, as you're meant to do the day before good friday, but i guess it was semi-gallavanting. saturday, got the train home from saskia's, ate hot cross buns with francie and jay, dossed around a bit. went round to danielle's, and that's about it, really. yay. saturday, woke up at the insane should-be-illegal hour of 4am to catch my flight, which was depressing, exhausting, and full of chavs. WOOHOO I SWEAR I HEARD THE FLOORBOARDS THEY WERE CREAKING YOUR NAME....
kaiser kaiser kaiser chiefs in april - CANNOT WAIT. (also can't wait to get the fuck outta here and back to forest gate. i crave people-who-aren't-my-family, junk food and sanity.)
please please please everyone go online before 9 tonight, (that's nine french time, so 8 british time, or something..) bastard bastard curfew. yes. indeed.
cheerio.
x
p.s. i have noticed that people have STILL not commented on my triple extra long entries below. scaramouche! get a move on, suckers! i demand comments now!

11 requests...

my eyes sting, i need sleep, and food, and money would help too, and some love, and a bit of excitement, and maybe some biscuits, and a tidy room, and some holidays and someone to do all my homework for me, and a fluency in french, and someone to live my life for me and tuck me into bed.

any offers?

hello hello hello

message to thug in a ticket inspector's jacket who fined me £10 today: FUCK OFF AND DIE IN HELL YOU BASTARD.

tralalallala, i'm sleepy and dull my dearest...x

sunday night here. i'm babysitting. which is good, because it involves money, but also bad because i should be working. also no tv, no msn, and very slow internet connection. it's worth £5 an hour though.

the demo went amazingly. something in between 45,000 (what the police said) and 120,000 (what the organisers said) people. tony benn (who completely RULES) was there. also random other people, george galloway etc. and FAITHLESS DID A LIVE PERFORMANCE, which was totally AWESOME.

peace camp was good too, sleeping right in the middle of trafalgar square is completely surreal though, traffic all night, and random drunks after about 2am kept shouting abuse at us. beforehand it was very cool, although the 'free food and free tshirts' as advertised on the stop the war coalition website seemed to be.. erm... a lie. damn them. there were lots of interesting people giving talks though, and then loads of rap and poetry. afterwards we walked up to parliament square to talk to brian haw, the guy who lives there amongst loads of banners and posters against the war. apparently the police frequently go and trash the place, which is disgusting. he has to be on call 24 hours a day. very interesting person, though slightly mad.

goodnight, and sorry this entry is tedious

angelic fruitcake

sorry. back now. i am miserable. i have too much work. can't deal with it all. no one's online. in fact no one's been online all week. why? WHY? where are you reid??? also ben deserted me mid-conversation. damn him and his trips to cambridge.

LET'S GET OUT OF THIS PLACE BEFORE THEY TELL US THAT WE'VE JUST DIED

a (not so) good pulp lyric. sorry, i really should stop putting random lyrics into my blog, i know people find this annoying. also having conversations via a comments blog page with people who are on msn, another annoying habit i have. also repeating myself. also repeating myself. also repeating myself. HAHAHA a katrina joke! could be a sketch on 'katrina's comedy show'! no one will find that funny. damn. it's hard to joke when you feel miserable. and lonely.

well, i'm probably being melodramatic, i'm ok. bastard maths. can't think of anything to say.

i think i'll rant about my parents for a bit. my mum is being overprotective and neurotic. she thinks that it'll be unsafe for me to travel back from ingatestone, the place where i go to SCHOOL every day at 9pm after the english trip, as she is away. wants me to stay round someone's house or something. damn her. i don't even know if it's ok to stay round at becky's for one night, let alone two! wanted: person prepared to a) let me stay over on the friday, or b) travel back to london with me on friday night at 9. also, not only is she bugging me about it, but she wants to TALK TO THE PERSON'S MUM. NO FUCKING WAY. that is just NOT happening.

note to mother (who thankfully doesn't read these entries): I AM NOT FOUR.

oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, i should do some work, and not just sit here writing meaningless endless drivel.

Farewell the ashtray girl
Forbidden snowflake
Beware this troubled world
Watch out for earthquakes
Goodbye to open sores
To broken centre floor
We know we miss her
We miss her picture

more random lyrics. and now from placebo to...... kris kristofferson!
jesus was a capricorn. (so is theo).

farewell buddies.
x
p.s. COMMENTSCOMMENTSCOMMENTS

remember the arch of roses

there's no one in. it's raining. i just had branflakes for tea. an empty house. just me and my homework here. might go and buy some chips. maybe a kebab.

marigolds and misery

number of physics questions attempted -22.
number of physics questions completed - 6.
number of oranges consumed - 8. number of pens chewed - 4.
number of bastard salespeople phoning the house - 7.
number of people online - 14.
number of people online who aren't retarded - 13.

WHERE IS EVERYONE??! BERENGERE?! BEN?! TIM? TASCHA?! HENRY?? REID???!!
NO ONE GOES ONLINE NOW AND NO ONE UPDATES THEIR BLOGS!!!

i think i am going to cry.

fair (bored and depressed) helena

my sister just tried to take my Kaiser chiefs CD away from me because i was allegedly playing it too loud! unfair! irrational! also scary!
greetings all. Wednesday evening here. automatic capitalisation annoys me, because then it looks like instead of just not using caps in general i genuinely don’t know how to use them. not true! i don’t use caps because i am making a non conformist statement that goes against the expectations of s- … no, i’m bullshitting here. i don’t use caps because i cant be fucked. but it’s NOT because i’m uneducated or illiterate or ignorant. obviously, suckers.
hmmmmm. have written several blog entries, but have (once again) been banned from the internet for a number of (ridiculously unfair and invalid) reasons. so no TV and no fucking internet. now you realise my over-attachment to my Kaiser chiefs CD. what the fuck would i do without it? actually, forget that. it’s a stuuuupid question, as i have only had the damn cd as of Monday. but you get the drift. without the few CDs i have my home life would be even more shit than it currently is. nice.
the rehearsal today was inCREDibly boring. two hours! how did i survive? all we did was read through the script. and where is theo? it’s my guess that he has been smuggled off to passau with paul wells. or something equally obscure. I WAS BORN TO BE A DANCER. that is SUCH a good line. no, there’s no way i am going to drift in and out of jumbled up Kaiser lyrics today, i am NOT going to be distracted by my cd.
i found a really good franz picture in some random magazine lying around the house, but couldn’t put it up as there isn’t enough space on my bastard walls. are they shrinking or something??
anyway. yeah, today was pretty shit to be honest. except that English (ßARGH bastard capitalisation!) was cancelled. actually this wasn’t so good as this happened half an hour after i had spent two hours finishing off my English essay. oh dear, you really aren’t at all interested in my English essay. i’ll shut up. well, not completely, because then this would be quite a short entry. but i’ll change the topic.
found my garbage CD! rock on meeeee! tralalalalaa! WHEN I GROW UP I’LL BE STABLLLLLLE etc. a wicked song. no one diss garbage, they rule.

have run out of interesting anecdotes for this blog, but i guess that’s what happens if you update too often. oh, by the way everyone, march 19th. demonstration. London. be there suckers.

happy hours, golden showers, on a CRUISE TO FREAK YOU OUT.
we could fly a helicopter, nothing LEFT TO TALK ABOUT.

au revoir mes ami(e)s xps my sister’s cheeks are sunken and her lips are swollen from her dental operation. she looks like she’s on crack. i love you francie.

this is bullshit. don't read it. spit on it.

it’s all emotion in this house today. my sister keeps erratically bursting into tears, and my mother is shouting at me because i asked her for some lunch money. talk about irrational reactions… luckily Kaiser chiefs are keeping me sane.

it’s the only way… of getting out of here….
this is the modern way… of faking it every day….

annnnyway. hahahaha the good thing about the bastard blocking thing at school is i have more freedom to bitch about people, as blatantly most people will never check the corner cult blogs ever again. BUT please please please keep updating everyone, especially those who don’t have an excuse not to as they spend ridiculous amounts of time online. no names mentioned ben, tim, berengere, tasch, sarah etc. well, not so much sarah, but hey. actually henry, louise, theo and paul wells go online occasionally so no one has a particularly good excuse. oh well. fuck you all.

i’m loving Katrina’s poem today, it went something like this:
i saw a man
he was a clam
[i’ve actually forgotten the rest… damn.]
the key part was the amazing rhyme of ‘man’ with ‘clam’. classic. pure genius my dear Katrina. no, seriously!

and now for some more from the Kaisers:

i saw you on the bus i saw your shoes. they fell apart some time ago. i’ll buy some more in five y-… no i should really stop randomly quoting lyrics here.

concert went well by the way, except after me and the tall gorgeous johnathan loh had played our piece some other loser got up and played the same fucking piece on the bassoon! what a loser! DO YOU KNOW MY REAL ANSWER I WAS BORN TO BE A DANCER…. no! i should stop doing that now! it’s just offputting listening to such good music! yeah baby! now i sound like a retarded, over-enthusiastic dim witted moron so i’ll stop.

dancer/answer – classic. almost beats man/clam….
S..S..S…SUDDENLY gwen stops quoting Kaiser chiefs. CRE…CRE…CRE…cretin, gwen, stop doing that, it isn’t even funny.
right. RIGHT. jesus, what the fuck is fucking wrong with me??? i really am not physically capable of writing anything remotely sensical. is sensical a word? it’s irritatingly being underlined in red jagged lines so perhaps not. spell check suggests that i am trying to write ‘sensual’, ‘sunscald’ or ‘seneschal’. erm… no.
i bet this entry gets no comments, it’s mostly the ridiculously short ones that get excessive comments. all you have to write is ‘phil is a chav’ or ‘fuck off michael gardiner’ or ‘i am in love with michael jones’ and you instantly THIRTY….BIRTHDAY.. sorry, there i go again, where was i? oh yes, you instantly get lots of comments…. no. the moment’s passed. WELL IT’S TIME HONOURED TRADITION. damn. FUCK THIS. i’m switching off the fucking cd now, this is the limit. i cannot control myself.

*neat change of subject*
hello. i’m gwen. fuck off and stop reading my blog, it’s shit, full of nonsensical Kaiser chiefs references. hang on a minute! nonsensical is a word, but sensical isn’t! who the fuck came up with that one…?
what’s happening here?

it’s strangely subdued now, so i’ll put the cd back on. why am i still writing? i unashamedly have nothing whatsoever to write, Kaiser chiefs or otherwise.
stay alive until you die and that is the end of you.

i am a bastard.

just wordcounted this out of sheer boredom. 549 words, or something. what a REJECT. ok, ok, what has happened recently? actually nothing. apart from me still finding ‘darius’ hilarious. ‘it’s ‘time’ you retard. now go and purchase some second hand adidas.’ wish i was as good at insulting people. my insults normally consist of the word fuck, and very little else. maybe i should do a fuck count again. actually that wasn’t funny the first time and wont be the second time. so fuck that.

my mother just told me to get off the computer and i was so pissed off with the interruption that i threw a pencil sharpener at her. sadly she didn’t see the funny, or even the mental side, to this and said ‘don’t be so aggressive or i’ll dock you £2.’ at this point i threw a stapler at her. this was slightly more effective, and she left. but i think i just lost £4 simply for the satisfaction of throwing some stationery at my mother. THIS IS WHAT MY SAD LIFE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO. LORD HELP ME JESUS.

right. why am i still here? why? why? what has happened to me?

it’s time honoured tradition. to get enough nutrition.
signing out here. that is the end of that.

someone murder me.
x

ps. now feel a bit guilty. the stapler was made out of metal.
pps. still haven’t done that bastard English essay.
ppps. it’s weird the way that ben and Katrina both played me exactly the same Kaiser chiefs clip. bet no one can guess which line it is….
pppps. actually that’s not weird at all. i’m surprised i actually remember pathetic stuff like that.
ppppps what IS weird, though, is the way Microsoft Word automatically capitalises Katrina, but not ben. wahey. maybe if you write ben it just thinks you spelt pen or when or then wrong or something. not quite sure where i was going here. sorry.
pppppps. doesn’t capitalise michael or berengere or theo or sarah. rrrrrrandom.
ppppppps. if you get up to 7 ps you’re officially a reject. it’s a unwritten rule. though you did know this already…
pppppppps. ok, this time i really am off. to restart my Kaiser chiefs cd. i feel like a ridiculous obsessive freak now. although at least i didn’t go up to ricky Wilson and start a conversation about dark chocolate… ricky Wilson- “dark chocolate’s expensive you know.” Katrina- “i know. i’m CLASSY.” ß REAL LIFE CONVERSATION, not just some crazy dream that i had! (sorry, couldn’t resist this one. not that Katrina will ever read this.)
ppppppppps. this is turning into a ridiculous attention seeking device. THIS TIME I REALLY AM GOING. TO STOP BEING A LOSER. GOODBYE X.
pppppppppps. sorry, couldn’t resist the tenth one. did you know i have used the word ‘ridiculous’ three times in this entry?? i need a new vocab.
ppppppppppps. no. simply cannot be fucked. cheerio.

blog entry #27682 (i wish)

it’s twenty to eleven. i should be sleeping. but out of immense dedication, and partial insanity i am actually updating my blog. wowee. a horrendous incident just occurred involving my mother and broccoli, but i won’t bore you with all of that. as i speak there is a loud drunken debate going on downstairs. i don’t know what it’s about, i just hear random words creeping up the stairs, like ‘potatoes’ and ‘michael portillo’ and ‘intellectuality’. i have spent the last 3 minutes considering how these three could be related, but haven’t come to any realistic conclusions.
this morning i awoke at the ridiculous hour of 7am thanks to my fucking radio alarm clock. alarm clocks should be automatically programmed not to go off on weekends. argh. it’s so fucking painful waking up that early. but then Kaiser chiefs came on, so i got up. after eating weeatabix (wheatabix? wheetabix? weetabix? cannot spell it) i suddenly realised it was only 7.20 and i was fucking exhausted, so went back to bed. also that appalling song ‘califorrrrrniaaaa’ etc. came on, so i switched everything off and slept. actually i withdraw the last sentence as i have discovered that is the theme tune to the OC and i don’t want a hate attack of OC-promoting comments appearing on my blog, much as i have heard it is a tedious portrayal of overpriveledged Californians. oooh lovely, that should provoke plenty of OC-based conflict….
right. where was i? oh, yes, then i woke up ( for the second time), ate some more weatabix, and tried to tidy my room for a while. i say tried because to be honest i didn’t really get anywhere, and spent most of the time sticking pictures on my wall.
then i…. actually i didn’t do anything of interest all day, so i’ll stop there.
s’gonna be a busy week. three fucking concerts. ridiculous. also slave labour. and i have three essays to do. oh lovely. three concerts and three essays and three libertines. what the fuck’s going on?
all of my family are bastards. especially my mother who forced me to spend hours on menial household tasks this weekend. she even told off my dad for helping me fill the dishwasher. helping! clearly a fucking crime in our house! reid wonders how you can compare your mother to Hitler. i don’t. wonder, that is, not compare.
i am reading a disappointingly shit book about the royal family moving into a council flat. it is shit. i am also frustrated with radio advertising. and my family. and a whole lot of things at the moment, actually. hopefully next weekend will be better. there were just so many things i ought to have done, like… no you don’t want to know. forget it. if you really want to entertain yourself then stop reading this right here. bet you can’t. it’s just SO good isn’t it?! ha, i think not. but you will nevertheless read to the end. like a captivated otter. not sure where otters came from. like tarka the otter. but that wasn’t even remotely relevant. damn.

YOU KNOW I’VE TRIED SO HARD TO STOP MYSELF FROM FALLING
back into my bad old ways
AND IT CHARS MY HEART TO ALWAYS HEAR YOU CALLING
calling for the good old days

actually one good thing did happen this weekend. i sewed two red buttons onto my stripy cardigan! i am expecting everyone to compliment me on it tomorrow morning. actually no, i’m not, because my brother is on the internet, so i shall probably not post this until tomorrow. thank goodness for day one. two lessons.
i need sleep now. i only wish there weren’t the irritating sounds of a) my sister playing boxcar willie (don’t ask) on top volume b) the rest of the family still arguing about michael portillo downstairs c) the cat d) some drunken youths outside my house keeping me awake. (who gets drunk on a Sunday? is it just my family and the youths of forest gate who do this?)

oh well. i can handle this. *takes revolver out of back pocket*…
goodnight
x
PS just wordcounted this and was horrified to notice that i have just typed 600 words. jesus. i’ve been doing my French coursework for the last three weeks and haven’t written that much yet…
PPS i bet michael will comment on this entry and his comment will include one of the following words: fire, splerf, ben, spongebob, david bowie etc.

BASTARDS! BASTARDS! BASTARDS!

what the fucking fuck! they have fucking filtered fucking blogspot! what a fucking fucked up disgrace! terrible! my life is in ruins! what the fuck am i going to do in all my free lessons from now on? do theye seriously think this will make me do some WORK?! this is fucking ridiculous!

just realised i have used the word fuck 8 times since the beginning of this entry. well, 9 now actually. maybe i should calm down. still haven't completed any of my three essays, still depressed and tired and living in a shithole of a room. but one thing has changed. i have the kaiser chiefs' album! well halleluyah! s'very good actually. and very catchy compared to the slightly dull 'silent alarm'. but anyway i am starting to sound slightly NME like and i don't particularly want to turn this page into a pretentious music-review site.

it was a good day anyway. started out shite and depressing and tedious, as most of the school were either on the [lame] economics trip or the [insane] kaiser chiefs trip or just skiving. but after period 4 me and berengere and ben and theo departed on our rrrrrrrrandom trip to HMV... didn't really do much, just bought the [limited edition] albums, went to starbucks, then played a HILARIOUS if slightly immature joke on katrina and louise and tascha and stalked them for a bit until they got freaked out. then i returned home, went to my cello lesson, got home, ate some potatoes, listened to the kaisers, played the cello a bit more, and then went online.

the party starts here. well, it doesn't actually as noone is online. i guess ben is still out . ditto tascha. don't know where the fuck all of my other internet buddies are though... 'cept reid. hey reid. post some comments.

fuck, fuck, fuck no one will ever read my blog again because of the fucking anglo filtering system. bastards.

and that brings my exclusive 'fuck' count in this entry to a grand total of 13.

seeya buddies.
x

further insanity

i am still getting over the sheer lunacy of the "mental katrina/louise/kaiser chiefs plan" for monday. haven't decided whether i am going to be a part of this disturbing fan-mania obsession , but may or may not tag along. it all depends on my emotional and financial position.
i hate this lesson. everyone is in french or history or english. bastards. i am also frustrated about the (lame) english trip as most of the people going are part of michael christophides' worshipping squad. except me. and becky. and phil. yay. i hate the last period of friday it is always so long. lets play cheat to pass the time. i don't thinkthat the teachers ever think to look at us over here ha ha ha ha we're hiding from those authoritarian people. the last three sentences were written by ashley, who 'hijacked' my computer while i was enagaged in a dispute with tim over how to play cards. i am right. tim is wrong.
- i will take over the world mwaha ha haha ha ha ha ha
above sentence also written by ashley who is clearly feeling bored.

off now to play cards.
cheerio x