simon diamond sold his soul

oh hello hello darling darling rosebuds.

i am wrecked.
i should have i should have i should have. done some work. yes indeed.
it’s not my fault i don’t care i don’t regret a SINGLE THING…

actually, no. all of those statements are lies. it IS my fault. i DO care. i regret it all.
sorry sorry sorry. i wish saying sorry would help, but it doesn’t. “don’t be sorry, alter”, as my granddad would say. too many d’s in granddad i feel. but.

but i feel lonely and subdued right now. if there’s anybody left in here, that doesn’t want to be out there… actually, cut that part, there really isn’t anybody in here at the moment. no.
sometimes i feel we spend too much time glossing over things, getting drunk and pretending to be happy.

i’m not ready for kaiser chiefs, i’m tired and depressed and i haven’t done my history essay. i waste my time because i’m lonely working, and it’s not rewarding and not sensible. i’ll do it all on a saturday night, when i cut through the city watching the boys on their motorbikes, or something. the weekend i guess.
….of faking it every day.
i just wrote ‘Not Very SENSIBLE’ across my tummy. well, my sister did actually. poignant, i know. i hate the word “poignant”. it’s too heavy. i feel heavy at the moment. weighed down. crazy. nanananana. music just washes over me at the moment. i just spent three hours listening to blur and painting. i don’t even take art. so. what was the significance of détente then? it’s an easy question, but i have no motivation. i have no patience. i don’t have much of anything really.

i would like someone to hug me. properly, or something. or maybe metaphorically. i haven’t figured it out yet.
and that was that. there’s more to this than passing by. they fell apart some time ago.

i fell apart some time ago. i’m waiting to be picked up.
the ‘fucked references’ aren’t intentional. they’re not to katrina though, that’s something.
katrina.
i would give it all to you but you’d never fight me for it.
now they are. not that any of the sentences in this entry are even remotely linked. except the last two. three. five, even.
please can we rewind a few weeks? i missed them all.
bluuuuuuues explosion.
you work in a shirt with your name tag on it, by the way. drifting apart. apart, again. i hate that word too. it’s bitter.
“to live a barren sister all your life,
chanting faint hymns to the cold fruitless moon.”
so’s that.

and it hurts every day when you don’t return my calls and you haven’t got the time to remember how it was.
michael has a broken soul, but i have a broken heart.
xxx

take it all in on your stride

Moron:*Originally a scientific term, coined by psychologist Herbert Goddard, and used to describe a person with a genetically determined mental age between 8 and 12 on the Binet scale. The word moron, along with "imbecile", "retard" and "feebleminded" (among others) was once a valid descriptor in the psychological community, though these words have all now passed into common slang use, exclusively in a detrimental context. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moron

i was bored, ok?

yeah, i had other stuff to add to the last post. oh yeah, no one needs to worry about getting me into trouble the other day, my mum said she thought you all behaved very well (!) and was pleased because no one smoked (does she think my friends smoke? what IS her problem?!), everyone cleared up afterwards, everyone was very well behaved and no one was too drunk. HAHAHAHAHAHA - this is according too my mum of course! i didn't think we were being particularly subtle, but i'm not complaining - good going folks! i think it helped that although we were making a lot of noise we didn't go out into the front garden and annoy the neighbours. sometimes it's handy having an older sister who causes total havoc every time she has a party, as my parties always look totally innocent in comparison!

i had the most amazing weekend though. especially today. flora flora flora flora flora!!! my friend flora came down from scotland and we met up, it was so good to see her, even though it was a bit of a brief encounter. her dad was running - in the london flora marathon, which was so cool, and we watched the runners for a bit in st. james' park. then afterwards i went window shopping in carnaby street. there's something incredibly soothing about window shopping, you don't have to worry about what you're going to buy and how much it will cost and you can try absolutely anything on, no matter how cRAzy it is. normally i get depressed shopping on my own, but it was just awesome today, because it was sunny and because i really love carnaby street even though everything is aggravatingly expensive, and because it was just a fantastic day. so i'm in such a good mood. can't make up my mind about my new trainers though, was gonna get some converse, but they only have limited colours, i want purple ones but they only have the same ones as tascha which i don't want, and also eeeeeeveryone now has converse, it's becoming kinda mainstream, if you see what i mean, hey that alllllmost rhymed. also i saw the most awesome pink and black golas, and i love golas!! even though they aren't that fashionable, i just love them, i don't want to have to replace my purple ones, they rule!! i have looked everywhere for some the same, but they just aren't anywhere. i was also tempted by some vans as well, but they were like £40, and i cannot afford that much, worse luck. the most i can realistically spend is £35.

but yeah, i got your birthday present danielle, if you're reading this. and tascha tascha tascha i bought you a badge and made you a bookmark for some random reason, just felt like it. oh that's anoher thing, i went into kingly court off carnaby street and found badges to DIE for, they were SO good, but i couldn't afford anything, hint hint those who haven't bought me a birthday present!
got to go, everyone enjoy the holidays (if you;re on them that is)....
love etc.
x

i have had only 2 hours sleep...

so. hello everyone. doesn't look like anyone's being particularly dynamic today, judging by the number of people on msn...
don't really have much time to write anything else, but just wanted to say i had an awesome birthday everyone, and thank you all for coming and for making it so cool (even though half of you were slightly/incredibly wasted!).

enjoy the rest of the holidays, and keep in touch, i'm so lonesome i could cry etc. etc.
xxx

you're fucking up my head in every way...

see, the idea was to get up nice and early in order to start some hardcore work and revision. but it didn't really work out that way. then again, when does it?
i didn't have any breakfast, the reason being that the skiving milkman didn't deliver any bloody milk aujourd'hui. is this some kind of a joke? he already has an official *day of rest* every tuesday, and doesn't come on sundays either. i cannot go without beakfast three days a week! come to think about it, i didn't even want branflakes today, i woke up with a tremendous craving for banana on toast, only to find that there was no bread and no bananas. in fact there doesn't seem to be much to eat at all at the moment, except unsalted peanuts and vegetable quiches. oh, and dry branflakes of course. delicious. that's my lunch settled.

my brother came home yesterday a bit stoned and he was shaking and trembling and said he had this terrifying experience where he thought these people were following him when they weren't. stupid, stupid, stupid. why does he put himself in this situation? he's so fucking irresponsible that i feel like i should be keeping an eye on him all the time.
i'm so bored, though. i'll do absolutely anything not to work, this procrastination needs to stop. why are young people so lazy and self-indulgent? i feel virtually incapable of doing anything. i've even started going to bed early just to escape from everything. i woke up at 12.50 yesterday and was in bed by 11pm. my life is ebbing away, and i have done nothing with it. it's so frustrating and futile and infuriating. why can't i do some work? why? i would feel so much better if i did. it's just that horrible grinding boredom that sets in all the time and won't go away. i need to talk to someone. everyone phone me, please. i'm so bored it's incredible, and i can't phone anyone either, or talk to anyone, or do anything at all.
pointless, tragic, but it's nothing new i guess.
x

p.s. tascha, the conversation (well, argument then) that we had the other day reminded me of the libertines. i'm sorry for not knowing you.

Do you know me? I don't think so.
You romanticize the dark and gloomy past
Trying to escape from the underclass
You darkened the bright and beautiful day
You're fucking up my head in every way
And tell me everything is dandy and fine
You're no friend of mine

but i like it when you're STUPID and SHALLOW

ok, i have to admit i am starting to lose the motivation to write here. but i do intend to carry on, i really do.
no one is online this holiday, to such an extent that it feels like everyone is SECRETLY GOING OUT AND GETTING DRUNK WITHOUT ME. why? why was i not informed?

jesus, i am paranoid.
today, though, i earned £30 cleaning my house. go me! it was about 4 hours work, but i told my parents it was 6 hours - not that i was being dishonest, or anything. i was just... exaggerating, that's the one. i am SO BORED. there is nothing to do. i can't use the phone or the internet either, which takes the piss. this comes after an incident in which my STUPID STUPID brother informed my mum that the mobile number on the bill that had been dialled 68 times was "his drug dealer". yes, thanks a lot for that one. fucking marvellous. just what i need right now, to be cut off from all communication. my parents have put some STUPID BLOODY CODE on it, that stops me from making outgoing calls. damn them all.

so i just lay around, procrastinated a bit instead of doing work, cleaned the house and lay around some more. not very productive really, but hey. it's the holidays. if i wasn't slightly depressed i'd almost be happy....
x

i don't feel like writing here. not at all. no way.

i am tired. where are the holidays? where are they?

*IT'S ALWAYS BETTER ON HOLIDAY. THAT'S WHY WE ONLY WORK WHEN... WE NEED THE MONEY*

i haven't done any work in too long. i can't work. i can't bring myself to. it's killing me. just SOMEONE MAKE ME WORK. SOMEONE GIVE ME THE ABILITY TO JUST DO IT ALL. ALL OF IT.

no, no, no, no, no, no.

cats and rabbits and chickens

i reckon that these holidays are going to be really really really good. because we are going out on friday, and then there is LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS and ICESKATING and KILL YOUR IDOLS and RED BULL EXHIBITION and other random outings which will be cool.

yipeddy dee daa skedaddle.

can't be bothered writing anything else, no one is online and i have to go and cook some jacket potatoes. yes. indeed.

BEN - i need my library book back s.v.p.
THEO - (who doesn't read this) - i need my stapler back s.v.p.

x

i don't wanna waaaaste my tiiiiiime

sunday morning here. greetings mes amis. am currently at danielle's: eating her food, watching her tv, using her internet etc. and also escaping all the homework that i should have done several weeks ago. so. the english trip was fantabulous. plenty of sunshine, tractors and graveyards. the only bastard part to the trip was the journey home:
1) continuous infuriating presence of year nines singing their "hilarious" song with the lyrics "wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker wanker" etc.
2) lack of food until we stopped off at a service station in maidenstone (or whatever it's called) and paid extortionate prices for wimpy rankitude. lovely.
3) waiting for a whole hour at ingatestone train station because the lousy train service only runs once an hour.
4) the 12 drunken chavs at the station who proceeded to try and kick in the ticket machines and throw empty vodka bottles into the train track. damn them all.

ingatestone is completely dead at night. THERE IS NOTHING. not even street lights. how do people live there? HOW?

yeah. so. i am becoming lazier and lazier. yesterday i slept all day and didn't start getting dressed until 6pm. then i went on msn. then i bought a kebab. then i went round to danielle's and watched kill bill. i really need to stop scrounging off people. sorry about that becky/danielle etc. i don't mean it. but my house is currently a shithole, and we have no tv, food, money or internet access...

really should doooo something. something crazy and exciting.
farewell everyone
x

Sunday Morning Coming Down

Well, I woke up Sunday morning
With no way to hold my head that didn't hurt.
And the beer I had for breakfast wasn't bad,
So I had one more for dessert.
Then I fumbled in my closet through my clothes
And found my cleanest dirty shirt.
Then I washed my face and combed my hair
And stumbled down the stairs to meet the day.

I'd smoked my mind the night before
With cigarettes and songs I'd been picking.
But I lit my first and watched a small kid
Playing with a can that he was kicking.
Then I walked across the street
And caught the Sunday smell of someone frying chicken.
And Lord, it took me back to something that I'd lost
Somewhere, somehow along the way.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down.

In the park I saw a daddy
With a laughing little girl that he was swinging.
And I stopped beside a Sunday school
And listened to the songs they were singing.
Then I headed down the street,
And somewhere far away a lonely bell was ringing,
And it echoed through the canyon
Like the disappearing dreams of yesterday.

On a Sunday morning sidewalk,
I'm wishing, Lord, that I was stoned.
'Cause there's something in a Sunday
That makes a body feel alone.
And there's nothing short a' dying
That's half as lonesome as the sound
Of the sleeping city sidewalk
And Sunday morning coming down.

p.s. note the fantastic rhyme of 'chicken' with 'kicking'. almost beats man/clam...
p.p.s. s'a neat little strokes lyric in the title there...

the sun is shining

i just wrote a whole blog entry and the computer fucked up so i lost it. have done nothing all day except eat hotdogs and talk to ben on msn. wow that rhymes. go me.

Windmill, Windmill for the land.
Learn forever hand in hand
Take it all in on your stride
It is sticking, falling down
Love forever love is free
Let’s turn forever you and me
Windmill, windmill for the land
Is everybody in?

ok. here are all the things i intend to do in the holidays:
*go to greenwich
*go and see "kill your idols" at the ica
*ditto turner whistler monet
*BLOC PARTY WOOOOO
*do lots and lots of work
*go to pembrokeshire
* earn lots of money (somehow....)
* win the lottery
* meet lots of hot guys
* i sense this is becoming more and more unrealistic so i'll stop now.
anyway, the point is i am becoming a layabout. and i need to stop this. me and ben have agreed we are going to start working and being constructive.

also tascha i am back on the "not spending money on food" pact. (unless i have done so much work that i deserve to be rewarded. or it's really sunny and i need a twister. or various other exceptions to the rule...).
but yes. i am trying to get my life back on track.

wish me luck, suckers.
x