We're going to hell anyway, let's travel first class...

All of a sudden I feel lost and confused. I suddenly realised at the barbecue that it's not just my friends that I'll miss. I'll keep in touch with them. But the others, the people I insulted Ebbs to, the people who I shared a text book with, the people I waited for trains with and bumped into at the village. Those I went to lessons with, those I knew but didn't talk to, those I promised I'd get to know later, those I dismissed without reason, those I liked but who didn't like me. Soon they'll all be a faceless nameless mass. I don't know where they live and I'll probably never see them again. It's all a pointless cliche, but we'll drift apart in a few months. And worst of all, everyone else will have new friends and new lives, but I'll still be here, dwelling on the past.

My job is really getting me down. Or more precisely my boss, who succeeds in making me feel completely frustrated, useless and unappreciated in every single thing I do. He tells me that at Wanstead Pharmacy you can't just leave dead on six, you have to wait until the flow of customers is dealt with, but I see the girl who has been working there two years nonchalantly walking out five minutes early. He humiliates me in front of the customers. He takes the maximum from me and gives me the minimum. He intimidates me. He tells me how some other employee is better than me in so many ways: a man who has been working there for fifteen years and who is twice my age. He never shuts up. He is schizophrenic. He treats his demanding, demented, elderly customers substantially better than he treats his employees. He is a money grabbing hypocrite. He pays me in the most begrudging way possible. He casually changes my hours. He doesn't know my name. He affects me far more than I would like.

I don't know what's happened to all the money I have earnt, but given the rate at which it has disappeared the job is so not worth it. I haven't been going out more, or enjoying myself more because my feet ache continually, my hours are unsociable (and painful), and I am completely exhausted. For one week this job was tolerable, even enjoyable. Give it three, and I feel like dying. I feel like I have aged. I feel desperately lonely, and my life is revolving around work. It's truned into a depressing cycle of working, eating and sleeping. The cycle there nearly kills me. It's so hard not to let him get to me. I feel weak and vulnerable and stupid. And the fact that my first proper job can depress me to such extremes makes me feel even more stupid.

Maybe this is just a low point, and nothing much to do with my job. I probably feel this bad every few weeks anyway. It's just leaving today without saying goodbye to so many people, slaving away stupidly in the heat and coming home so tired I'm ready for bed doesn't give me the best feeling in the world.

Wow, in nearly ten hours I'll be back at the hellhole.
*drowns in anguish*
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P.S. What a horribly incoherent stream of consciousness. Now this is what blogging's about.

The NHS need a new website.

I have been trying for over a week to book myself an appointment since my doctor referred me, but all the links on the Choose & Book webpage are fucking broken. Then I phoned them up, and they couldn't book me one because "we've been blocked out of your account for an hour because you tried to do it online". What a fucking shambles. I could be dying by now.

In other news, I might quit my job. I have come to the realisation that my boss is a total crook. I don't get minimum wage, I don't have a contract, he always lets me go late and he's changed my hours so I now work mornings without a break. I hate mornings, and it's illegal to give someone a seven hour shift without a break. Bastard.

School prom was wonderful.
And somehow I persuaded my mother to get me a lift to the barbecue. All is good.
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Is she more beautiful than me?

I've been told (ordered) to hurry up and update my blog, and to document the ups and downs of life in the pharmaceutical business. My arduous but bearable job is mainly about sorting out painkillers, dealing with demanding elderly people and putting bottles of shampoo on shelves, so I won't bore you with all that. The most important thing is I have money, although unfortunately no one else does, so I don't have many opportunities to do reckless things with it. I have a (rather silly) prom dress. And plenty of cash. For a change. The downside is I'm exhausted from working and cycling, and don't really have alot of time on my hands. Or any energy.

Haven't really updated in a while. Mainly because I was sick of entries that just moaned on about all the sleeping and slacking I had been doing. And oh-no-what-if-I-fail-my-exams entries. And general tedious routine bullshit.

To be honest, though, life couldn't get much better at the moment. Work is a bit draining, but I feel completely liberated not having to rely on my parents, being able to do what I want without my day-to-day life being dependent on what kind of mood my mother is in and how financially generous she's feeling. It's sweet and sunny, and I went shopping on Sunday. I've fallen in love with my room, and finally got used to where all the furniture is so I don't have bruises all over my legs from tripping over things any more. My bed is wonderful, indulgent bliss. And my hours suit me just fine, so I can lie in all morning, and still catch the sunshine in the evening. I'm just waiting around for exam results, when everything will come crashing down all around me. Somewhere, though, there's a glimmer of hope that it might just about stay in place. Unstable, but holding together somehow.

My sister's letter was in the Guardian today. And it was pretty good.

This weekend is my grandparents' diamond wedding anniversary. The concept of staying together with someone for 60 years terrifies me. I don't know how they managed it. The weekend could be anything from pretty good fun actually to a total nightmare. Overall, though, there will simply be too many blood relatives in the same room. It's an accident waiting to happen.

10,000 hits!
I love Chelmsford swimming pool.
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