It can't come quickly enough.
I seem to spend half of my time these days wishing I was like everyone else and the other half wishing they were like me.
Everything was sensational this weekend, to a point where I felt completely ill at ease with my life on Monday and sank into this horrible, desperate anxiety that I could no longer dance and sing and be mesmerised and reckless and mindless. And then a million ridiculous unjustified thoughts started getting me down and I was practically in tears.
The awards ceremony didn't make things any better. Despite seeing Timmy and Paul and Phil and Berengere I thought the whole night was horribly contrived and bizarre and elitist. It's quite sickening how educational institutions are now run like business enterprises. We can't freely reward achievement these days without a) alienating a large proportion of students, b) promoting the school as "special" and better than other schools, c) openly sucking up to the governors by giving awards to their children, d) placing emphasis on the school's sponsors, benefactors, reputation and staff rather than the students themselves, e) using a selection procedure controlled by members of senior management, with not a single student-governed award, f) advertising the school through huge placards and flags across the stage, g) presenting the headteachers and governors as members at the top of a massive heirarchy and somehow in a position of power: I don't feel priviledged to shake the hand of some random governor, or Mr Barrs. Why exactly am I shaking hands anyway? It was as if we had reached some kind of shady deal involving me producing good results for the school and him in exchange giving me an Anglo-European School biro. I don't regard producing a ridiculously extravagant and enormous school trophy (the "Bob Reed" award) to Abbie Southern as a particularly productive way to either honour Mr Reed or spend the school's money. The speeches were somewhat suspicious (in what way, for example, does the IB encourage 'integrity'?) The real limit was when someone mentioned 9/11 in their speech. I was practically expecting everyone to stand up, put their hands on their heart and recite the school's fucking mission statement...
I have achieved peace of mind now, anyway. I have moved away from the stage in my life dominated by the Anglo. There are people I spent the entire two years trying to fit in with, never quite managing, when in reality we have nothing in common and they had little or no respect for me. There are also people I truly love, whom I will miss, but it's pretty wonderful not having to see them in the context of the Anglo-European school and all its smothering glory. I also have some level of control over my life now. Speaking of which, the new job is better than I imagined. The farm is lovely. It even has a kookaburra and chipmunks. The jobs are nowhere near stenuous at the moment. It takes half as long as I anticipated to get there, the boss seems reasonable and the breaks are lengthy. Also, at long last I have something to think about and get on with, far from that hazy bubble of worrying and being alone.
It's been such an emotional end to my holiday. I can still see a whole tent of about 2,000 people going fucking wild to Common People, the last song of the last DJ set at 2am on Sunday night. I can still see smoke exploding out of the stage during Filthy/Gorgeous. I can still feel everything I've left behind. Ahead there's just a flickering horizon, and for some reason I can't wait to reach it.
x
12 Comments:
Gwen, reading your blog trips me out immensely, or maybe I'm just tired, either way- you write wonderfully.
I'm really glad your new job is better- that other one did you no good at all.
The pieces of this bizarre transitional puzzle we are all in are slowly falling into place-
here's to the future,
x
Yes, I did delete the following comment from my blog today:
"Oh my, Gwen. What part of an awards ceremony did you think would be for the retards, the ones who misbehaved and the ones who didn't bother? If these things weren't so damned similar then it would scare the majority of people into wondering what they were for, if not a simple way of praising academic achievement. People are inherently fearful of change or something they don't understand, so a common parallel is needed to make them aware that the award is a good thing, not something to be scared of. If there were bright lights and flashing bulbs (or at least more than just proud parents and their stupid cameras), with thumping new-age music and spandex jump suits then no one would really understand what was going on.
Have you ever wondered that it's not the governors' kids that are rewarded, but the kids' parents that are made governor? Sometimes I just ask myself whether or not you actually believe what you write or just want to be so unconformist that it's actually crap. I mean, I've stuck by you and laughed at times when I think you're just being a little immature, but you said yourself that you're growing up and becomming independent. So think outside the box, not just state the opposite of what's in it. Go three-dimensional on us.
Mike xxx
First of all I deleted it because I don't like people being openly offensive to me on my blog. This is not because I am against freedom of expression, I welcome people challenging my views, but not attacking me on a personal level, or accusing me of talking "crap". That's a pathetic way to argue.
I don't say things just to be wayward, I say them because I believe in them. You're quite simply wrong about that, and if you truly can't comprehend how anyone can believe in something "non-conformist" then maybe you're the narrow minded person, and the one who isn't "three-dimensional" enough.
"What part of an awards ceremony did you think would be for the retards, the ones who misbehaved and the ones who didn't bother?"
Quite simply I believe rewarding high achievement is a means of discouraging people from misbehaving or not bothering. Just because certain people didn't make as much effort, it does not mean they should be excluded from the whole process and not even aware it was going ahead. In fact it's the people who see no point in making any effort that should be exposed to such a ceremony: I'm not saying they should receive awards for no reason, but I believe everyone should be allowed to attend, and this whole initiative can only work as an educational incentive if people are made aware of who got them and the criteria through which they are awarded. Perhaps if they were presented in assembly, for example.
Your argument is stupid, anyway, as it suggests that those who didn't recieve an award are in your eyes "the retards, the ones who misbehaved and the ones who didn't bother" which is blatantly untrue. As Berengere pointed out there were people far more deserving of awards than some of the people there who weren't acknowledged in any way. There were also people recieving awards who had at times misbehaved and not bothered. It's preposterous, anyway, to separate all the students into categories of those who did and didn't bother. Nothing is that clear cut.
"People are inherently fearful of change or something they don't understand, so a common parallel is needed to make them aware that the award is a good thing, not something to be scared of." - this doesn't even make any sense. How can you describe the system as a common parallel when most people aren't even aware it's going on? Last year, for example, I had no idea that such a ceremony existed. Was I somehow rapidly transformed between lower and upper sixth from one of the freaks and losers who don't deserve an award to someone noble and worthy of one? I don't remember making this transition. I have no idea what you are talking about when you say people are "fearful of change or something they don't understand". You'll have to enlighten me. Besides I wasn't objecting to the way the awards were presented in a positive light, but the way the people recieving them (and giving them) were canonised in such a way as to make everyone else appear worthless, and the way the school was saluted as something "special" and better than other schools, which is a pointless, individualist approach to the education system, and something I'm prepared to contest.
I clearly don't just "state the opposite of what's in the box"; that would make me some kind of anarchist, I'm not, there are aspects of rewarding high achievement I am fully in support of. Essentially awards are an excellent idea, but there are more genuine, fair and inclusive ways of presenting them. I hate to mention my old school, but there awards were given out in assembly, different people won them each year, no one got more than one, and the main focus was on the students rather than the school's status and the people rewarding them. There was nothing at all commercial, elitist or superficial about that method.
Don't patronise me about becoming independent, or about anything for that matter. For someone who sent me an email just last week saying "you make me laugh and cry and hurt in ways I never thought possible merely at the idea you might not like something I have to say" your views come across as distinctly hypocritical.
(And let's face it, this whole argument is mainly about me having blocked you on MSN messenger a few days ago. Get a grip.)
Well if you'll closely watch, it was the first time I've ever been even remotely un-nice to you on this blog. I just get fed up of writing a load of stuff that backs your views, both because it's boring and also because most of the time I think you're wrong.
Stop being such a child.
Mike xxx
Explain to me exactly how I'm being a child. I don't have a problem with people not backing my views, I have a problem with people being abusive to me. It's kind of pathetic that the only time you criticise my views is when you're pissed off with me for other reasons. Either you don't have the ability to argue convincingly without resorting to personal abuse, or your arguments are not genuine because they have been put forward merely as a way of being spiteful.
Besides, you obviously have little strength of character if you write something you don't believe in simply to appease someone. That's something I've never done.
I seem to see that my completely valid point backing my own comprehension on the issue has been deleted by someone or other. This is what I mean by acting like a child.
Just rise above it.
Mike xxx
Your point was nowhere near valid, because dismissing someone's views on the basis that they are "non-conformist" and "immature" is not a basis for challenging them. I deleted your comment not because you were wrong (though you were) but because I'm bored of you being condescending. If you want to have a mature argument, you don't generally tell someone that everything they say is crap.
I'm pretty certain that your first response to everything someone says that you don't agree with is along the lines of, 'That's total bullshit, that's not how it is.'
Many will agree with me, which is why this comment will end up deleted.
Mike xxx
That's regarding one thing they've said, not everything. The difference is that you're making generalisations. And if you want to dispute someone you have to take what they say as a serious argument, however radical it may appear, rather than dismissing it as non-conformist.
What exactly about non-conformism do you find invalid? If everyone blindly accepted every social convention they were presented with we would not be living in a democracy. It's much more healthy and constructive to question the way things operate than to continually follow everything that's conventional. Of course I recognise the positive aspects of society. But I'm not afraid to criticise the negative parts. That's the difference between being reactionary and being progressive. And I don't do it for attention or because I'm 'a child'. I do it because I have strong convictions and I want to influence the way things are run, just as everyone should in a democracy.
You call me 'immature' and 'a child' which is completely different to saying 'that's bullshit'. Sure, I talk informally when discussing things with people I know and I'm not afraid to say if I think they are wrong. But it's their views that I am criticising, not themselves.
You accuse me of criticising things for the wrong reasons, yet you can never stop leaving presumptuous comments, you always have to have the last word.
Go on, try me.
I'm not going to deny that, though I'm sure a retort is brewing.
What I fail to comprehend is why you can just randomly come out with comments and try to justify them as things you've always believed. I don't have any specific examples because I'm generalising (it's easier this way), but my points are always based on them - perhaps the reason I didn't do so great.
But what do I care? You're getting a job and I'm going to University, so in theory I'm just a better person than you. Good luck with that.
Mike xxx
How do you actually know what I've always believed?
As for that last bit, I'm not shallow enough to care whether I'm "a better person" than anyone else. But I'm sure if the way to be so was to study at Brighton ex-Polytechnic with 26 points then that option would be available to me. And I fail to see why you feel so smug about going to university anyway, as economically I'm contributing to society while you're sponging off it.
In fact, I can't believe I even bothered to respond to any statement ending with "so in theory I'm just a better person than you". I don't care either way, as this was nothing to do with the earlier debate. If that's what you truly believe then congratulations, you can feel good about yourself.
Sweety - material things have never made me happy. I'm only good when I feel a sense of being a part of someone's life, for better or for worse.
Obviously this is another of the worse ones, but I'm ok with it. I'm making a difference.
I shouldn't have said 'sweety'.
I'm going to pay.
Mike xxx
Go away. You don't even have a point to make, and although you seem to think you're some kind of soulmate to me you barely know me and spend a considerable amount of time running me down.
Post a Comment
<< Home