On a night that rises and clears / In a sky that's clouded by fears

[Kirchner, 'Marcella' 1910]

The days are slipping by unnoticed now, and I'm worried I'll wake up from a troubled sleep sometime and realise just what I've wasted and the mediocre, regrettable way I've been spending my long summer weeks. Sleeping, watching films, eating and drinking too much. Wasting away. Subconsciously caging myself up. Perhaps getting a double bed was a bad idea. Perhaps moving the TV from the cellar into my room while my parents were on holiday was stupid: it's always too tempting and far too distracting.

Yesterday's party was actually pretty magnificent. Despite being in Upminster and costing me money I don't have. I can't complain (at all) because the fruit punch was free and the company was excellent. Also I'm not too shattered today somehow. I drowsily dragged myself off Michael's sofa at 6 having had about 2 hours' sleep, walked past a million pebbledashed houses to the station and somehow stumbled onto the right train. Got back at 7, fell into bed and slept until 3 when I listened to the rolls of thunder outside all afternoon and watched The Sound of Music. In bed. Now I'm sleepy and bleary and hungry and still wearing yesterday's eyeliner. Maybe I'll go back to bed. It's nearly time for Hollyoaks.

When did I become like this?
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