cold and confused

finally i have emerged from the depths of bleak, cloudy ireland. christmas has once again been and gone, unoticed. i am weary of being with my family, my parents are viscious, my grandparents are uptight, my grandparents' dog hates me. my fingers are frozen, there has been no heating in this house since we left so it is the same temperature inside as out. minus three degrees.

christmas was nice. but as ever the "christmas spirit" i felt when i was ten is diminishing. we ate two ducks with orange and gravy, then watched 'singin' in the rain', then sat round the fire eating nuts and chocolate. my parents/grandparents got drunk on port and irish whisky. i lounged on the sofa feeling detached and doing sudokus. i have done thirty-seven sudokus while i have been away. now you sense my utter, unavoidable anguish.
the duck tasted good though. i finally have You Could Have It So Much Better, which is pretty damn awesome. and purple tights and red checked pyjamas.

we went to see a lighthouse at dusk, and climbed along the slippery, shadowy rocks. it was the most sombre, sinister thing. i sat down, staring across the sea listening to parachutes, completely thunderstruck. my feet were cold and clammy, my eyes were streaming.
i had to sit in the boot with the dog all the way home, drowsy, shivering.

my bed was so warm i slept for fourteen hours every night. even on christmas day i didn't wake up until eleven. it was sunny and sparkling on christmas day. before dinner we walked along the coast skimming stones and watching the squarking geese across the estuary. i wore my wellingtons.

i think i wrote this subconciously. i don't remember what i have written.
x