You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out.

Gosh I feel weirdly sleepy and dizzy this evening.

I'm not demonstrating tomorrow. I hate to let people down, but I'm completely exhausted and overwhelmed and it's five weeks until exams, and my head is spinning.

Today's Maths talk made me think, even though I don't want to study it. "Maths is the best thing in the world when you understand it and the worst when you don't". So accurate. It's difficult and abstract and disorientating and frustrating, but ever so rewarding. That's the case with a lot of things. Somewhere there was a glimmer of hope about these exams. Stupid, and strange, to be influenced by a mumbling Imperial graduate working in the city, but there.

Car journeys at night are lovely, and so is Eagle Eye Cherry, but then there was Brentwood, and crowded pubs, and it was a bit of a let down. Plus I don't like Gilbert. Never have, really. And then my train was delayed for thirty frozen, miserable minutes, and there were drunken thirteen year old chavs throwing up, and it was not a good end to an otherwise wonderful Friday. Well, maybe not wonderful, but reassuring, unstressful, and uneventful. Which means wonderful, these days. My one wish is to lapse back to those long, listless summer weeks after GCSEs, before I messed things up, and things became hard and gritty and fragile.

Genuinely can't write any more, my eyelids are drooping and my head is throbbing and I have cold clammy feet. I love you all.
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